Adventures in Stupidity: Customer Service

Recently I shared an experience about a magazine subscription that I had cancelled only to receive as some form of  “Come back sales pitch” that their Collections Dept. was holding my mailings because I had not paid for my cancelled subscription!

What I thought was the most ironic part from this ordeal is the fact that when I wrote them stating how obviously incompetent this whole charade of “customer” anything was, I posted the image of when I emailed them showing that they would be in contact with me within 2 business days. As per my posting you saw that it had already been 2 weeks and the silence was deafening. So we say to ourselves OK so what, I probably wouldn’t want to answer it either if I was some poor outsourced rep. who has to handle such things. Just make sure the thing is cancelled and they get no more notices because obviously by the tone of this persons letter we really messed up and they’re not coming back any time soon. Well, as stupid and incompetent as that thinking sounds for anyone in a business that is dying on the vine and needs every single customer it has, they just keep giving people like myself more stories to share because I’m just not that creative to make this stuff up. Nearly 30 days later I receive a what? You guessed it, a “Form Letter” about my cancellation. The italicized, underlined are my comments as I read, everything else is the actual letter.

Thank you for contacting XX XXXXXX Customer Service.
We have canceled your subscription as requested. If you have recently received or receive in the near future a billing notice, please disregard it. (as of right here I’m thinking OK it’s been almost a month but maybe they thought because my issue showed how foolish they were it took them longer because they wanted to get it right. I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt and I’ll read to hear what they have to say.)

If you paid for this subscription, we will process a refund for the unserved issues.  (wait a second…my spider senses are tingling…don’t tell me this is a freaking form letter!) Please allow three to four weeks to receive the refund.  If you paid by credit card, you should see a credit posted to your account within the next 7 to 10 days.  You should see the credit on your printed credit card statement within 30 to 60 days depending on your billing cycle. ( If? Should? Depending? You have got to be kidding me. It is a form letter! Not only have you lost all credibility, but were better off when I just thought you were incompetent with this whole fiasco and not replying back, Now you have proved it. What an absolute waste in so many ways. This whole ordeal can be used as a case study in how NOT to stay in business and should be required learning at the Wharton.)

Because our mailing labels are preprinted, you may receive one or two more issues.  Please discard them or share them with a friend. We are sorry that you are cancelling and hope that you will consider ordering with us in the future. ( First off the only thing that will be shared is just how pitiful dealing with your company has been, and second if I ever consider you in the future it will be only to share just how imbecilic this exchange has been.)
We have removed your personal information from our promotional listings. ( Excuse me if I have absolutely no faith that this means anything.)
If your information was already on our files, you may have been selected for a recent promotion. Please allow ten business days for this to become effective. After that, you will not receive future promotions. ( I would wager dollars to doughnuts I still do even if I’ve left this Earth.)
If you are just providing us with your contact information, you will not be added to the promotional listings. ( Oh boy! Just what I needed. One more conclusive sign that there was no need for me to question this was a form letter and you could care less and probably never even read my email. Just lovely. Nice touch.)
We appreciate this opportunity to be of service.( And the Coup De Grâce!)

I’ll end with a little line I made up long ago:

“Some look at things and ask why…I look at some things and say…You have got to be freakin’ kidding me!”

© 2012 Mark St.Cyr